What We Were Taught About Grief
Death is as certain as birth and taxes, and yet there is no School of Grief to attend—no textbooks assigned as required curriculum in any high school or college. Most of us learn what to do—or not do—when death visits our world from our parents and those who shaped our upbringing.
My grief upbringing was a dichotomy. My parents divorced when I was only two years old, so I saw grief processed through two vastly different households.
My dad and stepmom recorded every family and close friend’s death on their annual calendar that hung on the fridge. Each year, my stepmom would carefully write the loved one’s name and the year they passed. On the anniversary of their death, she would send a card, or my parents would make a phone call—no matter how many years had passed. These loved ones were spoken of often, with shared memories and laughter, creating a beautiful sense of communion.
In contrast, my mother’s side rarely acknowledged a death after it occurred. Sometimes they didn’t even attend the funeral unless it was a very close relative. They just “moved on,” kept busy, and seldom mentioned the deceased again in any favorable light.
“The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman would label my mother’s side’s response as a collection of “short-term energy relievers”—behaviors we learn early in life that may provide temporary relief but often lead to emotional incompletion.
And emotional incompletion is that lingering inner tension a griever just can’t shake.
Other common, unhelpful grief messages include:
• “Don’t feel bad” — suppressing emotions rather than expressing and processing them.
• “Replace the loss” — being rushed into moving on instead of honoring the depth of the pain.
• “Be strong for others” — denying your own grief, especially as a man or oldest sibling.
Griever’s Toolbox Tip:
This week, write a short letter to someone you lost — sharing anything left unsaid. This begins the process of emotional completion and helps your heart heal in ways words left unspoken never could.
Next Week: We’ll explore how your personality type can shape how you handle grief — and why self-understanding is an essential part of healing.
Debbie Simler-Goff, Certified Mental Health Coach (AACC) Email: debbiesimler@gmail.com
