As we discussed in the July 30 column, our grieving habits are often shaped by the home we were raised in and the people who raised us. For example, if Ms. Sarah wept profusely at Auntie P’s funeral, then chances are her daughter, Janet, will feel the need to express her own grief in a similar fashion. And when Janet grows into adulthood, if she doesn’t feel comfortable being an expressive griever, she may shame herself — believing she didn’t care deeply enough because she didn’t “cry like Mom did.”
But God may have created Janet to be a Beaver (Melancholy) personality — someone hard-wired to need solitude and order to process grief. And God may have created Ms. Sarah to be an Otter (Sanguine) — just as hard-wired to grieve openly and in the company of others.
So how can parents help their children walk through loss in a way that honors their family’s grieving traditions, their child’s developmental stage and the unique tendencies of their personality?
Here are a few tools that may help:
• Observe without distraction. Put away your phone and just notice: has their rhythm changed? Are they sleeping more? Escaping into screens?
• Watch their moods. What’s their “wake-up mood” like? How do they wind down? These emotional bookends reveal what’s underneath.
• Give 10 minutes of focused presence daily. Play, walk, talk, or cuddle — whatever fits your flow. No phone, no TV, just connection.
• Know their love language — and speak it. It builds emotional safety and reminds them they’re seen and loved.
• Understand their personality type. Are they a Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever or Beaver? Who in the family grieves similarly? That kind of connection builds bridges.
• Consider their age. A 10-year-old won’t grieve like a 15-year-old. Meet them where they are emotionally.
• Be kind to yourself. You’re grieving too. While the immediate fog may lift in days, months and milestones still lie ahead.
• Honor the memory together. What fits your household? A cemetery visit? A shared family ritual? Let it be meaningful, not forced.
And above all — talk to your family doctor or reach out to a trusted pastor, counselor, or grief coach if your child (or you) is struggling.
Griever’s Toolbox: Do an online search to find an age-appropriate book on loss for your child. There are many great options out there.
Next Week: When the one you lost wasn’t easy to love — and grief gets complicated.
Debbie Simler-Goff, Certified Mental Health Coach (AACC) Email: debbiesimler@gmail.com
