Sleeplessness is one of the struggles I hear about most often in grief coaching. At first, the wave of loss is so overwhelming that the days are filled with tasks: making arrangements, writing thank-you notes, tending to work or childcare. Many grievers describe “keeping their mind busy” as a way to cope.
But when the house grows quiet at night, a different reality sets in. For the widow or widower, lying down in an empty bed after 20, 30 or 40 years of companionship, the silence feels deafening. Others describe lying beside a sleeping spouse while missing their parent, child, or sibling with an ache so strong it feels like their subconscious is screaming at them. It’s as though the night itself presses in, keeping them painfully awake.
Grief researchers confirm that insomnia is one of the most common physical symptoms after loss. Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain, notes that “the brain is struggling to recalibrate daily rhythms after a loss,” and this often shows up as restless nights.
While it’s true that no amount of science or understanding can take the pain away, awareness helps us recognize that sleeplessness in grief is not a personal failure — it’s a normal response to profound loss.
Often, a family physician may recommend short-term sleep aids. This can be appropriate, especially when the body desperately needs rest to recover from the stress of bereavement. Grief touches every system in the body—immune health, cardiovascular function, even digestion. Letting your physician know what you’re going through should be one of your first steps.
But medication is not the only support. Gentle evening rituals, journaling, prayer and reaching out to safe companions in the night hours can also help. In fact, the Psalms remind us that we are not the first to face sleepless grief. David wrote, “I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim” (Psalm 6:6). Even God’s beloved king wrestled with tears in the midnight hours.
Griever’s Toolbox
Keep a small notebook beside your bed. Before lying down, jot your thoughts and prayers. Giving them to the page—and to God—can quiet your mind. “In peace I will lie down and sleep…” (Psalm 4:8).
Next week will continue our discussion on grief and sleeplessness.
Debbie Simler-Goff, Certified Mental Health Coach (AACC) Email: debbiesimler@gmail.com
