Whether it’s your first Thanksgiving without your loved one, or your fifteenth, holidays without a key family member can feel bittersweet. The passing of time may soften the sharp edges of grief, and others may step in to fill the gap left behind — someone will no doubt make Momma’s favorite cornbread casserole this year. Still, there’s often an ache, a longing to keep her memory alive at family gatherings. Not only for those who remember her well and were shaped by her love, but also for the highchair generation who only know her through stories.
So how do we do that in a meaningful way?
The truth is, there’s no single “right” way. Every family has its own culture and holiday traditions. As I’ve shared before in this column, some families speak freely about those who’ve passed, wrapping their memory around them like a warm blanket. Others find it too painful and avoid mentioning their names at all.
Grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt encourages families to “integrate the memory of the loved one into the ongoing story of the family.” He teaches that healthy grieving involves both honoring the past and embracing the present. Scripture itself models this: Hebrews 12:1 speaks of a “great cloud of witnesses” who have gone before us, cheering the living on. When we make Momma’s stories part of the family narrative, we’re doing the same — letting her life still speak, still encourage, still shape the race we’re running together.
If that feels right for your family, one idea is to invite everyone to bring a short written memory of your loved one to your gathering. Place these in a basket, and sometime after dinner — perhaps during dessert — pass the basket and let each person draw out a memory to read aloud. This allows everyone to hear stories from different perspectives and keeps their influence alive.
If your family isn’t ready for that kind of open sharing, consider a simpler option: start a memory notebook. Write “Momma’s Book” on the cover and encourage relatives to add stories, notes, or words they wish they could say to her if she were still with you. Each year, the book becomes a growing testimony of love — a tangible link between generations.
There’s healing in remembering. Whether spoken aloud or quietly written, love has a way of showing up at the table.
Debbie Simler-Goff, Certified Mental Health Coach (AACC) Email: debbiesimler@gmail.com
