There are many emotional tasks that come with the loss of someone you love, but perhaps one of the hardest is knowing when — or if — to let go of their belongings. Every photograph, every shirt, every ordinary item can carry extraordinary weight.
When my husband’s first wife died suddenly of a heart attack at 29, he kissed her goodbye that morning, never imagining it would be their last. By the time he saw her again, she was gone — lifeless in the emergency room. While he was still reeling in shock, well-meaning church friends went to his home to “help,” cleaning, organizing, and removing many of her belongings before he returned. Their intentions were kind, but they unknowingly took away the tender traces of her life — the washed-out pantyhose she’d hung over the curtain rod to dry, the simple marks of an ordinary day now made sacred by loss.
Years later, I realized those friends had unwittingly stolen a vital piece of his healing.
Grief has no timetable. For some, sorting through a loved one’s things comes quickly, almost instinctively. For others, it’s a slow, careful release that unfolds in stages. When my stepmother lost my father, she waited until she was ready. Her first step was to give away his favorite shirts to those who loved him most. Over time, she parted with other items, little by little, in her own way and on her own terms. As it should be.
Psychologist Dr. J. William Worden describes the Tasks of Mourning as four essential movements in healthy grief. One of these is adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is missing — a process that often includes deciding what to do with their belongings. It’s not about forgetting or “moving on,” but about learning to live in a world where the person’s presence is no longer physically there.
Letting go of someone’s things doesn’t mean letting go of love. Love remains, even when the closet is empty. Healing happens not in one sweeping act, but in small, sacred steps toward wholeness.
Griever’s Toolbox
Sit quietly with God in prayer and make a short list of items you might move, remove, or give away. Writing them down can help your heart begin to release and heal.
Debbie Simler-Goff, Certified Mental Health Coach (AACC) Email: debbiesimler@gmail.com
