The imprint our loved ones leave on our lives never truly goes away. Even those who were our not-so-loved ones — the complicated, hard-to-love figures of our past — often shaped us in ways we didn’t recognize until years later. Those who impacted our formative years not only gave us their genetic code but also modeled hundreds of subtle ways to live, respond, and navigate life. Scientists call this mirroring — a concept first explored by psychologist Jacques Lacan and later expanded by developmental researchers to describe how we unconsciously imitate the behaviors, emotions, and expressions of those around us, especially as children.
For example, my birth mother was, by her own choices, one of my not-so-loved ones. Yet not only do I look remarkably like her, but I also clear my throat the same way she did when nervous and place my hand at the base of my neck when I’m deep in thought — just as she always did. These small echoes of her live on in me. But those aren’t the only things she left behind. In my younger years, I also wrestled with the same temper she carried and other struggles that, by the grace of God and through maturity, I’ve learned to overcome.
So, what does all of this have to do with grief and loss?
Actually — everything.
Because grief isn’t just about missing someone we loved. It’s also about processing who they were to us — or who they were not. It’s about facing what they gave and what they withheld, the ways they shaped our strengths, and the ways they scarred our hearts. Grief invites us to reflect not only on what we’ve lost, but on what remains within us because of their influence — both the good and the not-so-good.
And in that reflection, healing begins. We start to understand that God can redeem even the painful imprints, weaving them into a larger story of grace. The traits we once resented or wrestled with can become reminders of how far we’ve come, and how deeply God’s restoring hand has worked in us.
Because whether loved or not-so-loved, their imprint remains — and grace teaches us what to do with it.
Griever’s Toolbox
Identify one imprint left by someone you’ve lost. Ask God to help you see how His grace can help you use it to reflect His redemption in your story.
Debbie Simler-Goff, Certified Mental Health Coach (AACC) Email: debbiesimler@gmail.com
